My Inner Thoughts

I Am....

Tue, 24 Jul 2012 14:56:20 -0400

Today I am…

Unhappy
Weepy
Sad
Introverted
Pensive
Confused
Frustrated
Miserable
Desperate
Frantic
Subdued
Bleak
Hurt
Tired
Stressed
Strained
Pushed to my limits
At the fork in the road
Alone
Empty
Drowning
Dying

Today I am….broken.

One and the same

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 12:44:08 -0400

I know a man that is so in love with this woman that he would do anything for her. He would take all of the BS that she throws at him, listen to and believe all of her lies just to keep the peace and still want her after another man has planted his seed inside of her. I know a man that is so enthralled by this woman that he runs to the phone when he knows it’s her calling and he calls her 50 times a day asking who, what, when, where, how and why?! I know a man that loves this woman so deeply that he lets good women walk out of his life so that he can wait on her. He dreams of being with her even when he knows that she is probably lying in the arms of another man. He can’t stay away from her, would rather suffer than to make the move necessary to leave her alone, no matter how toxic she is for him. I also know this woman, not the same woman that is loved by this man. I know a woman who is so in love with this man, she would do anything for him. She stands by and watches as he moves from one woman to the next, all the while keeping her locked into place with his empty words. I know a woman whose heart is so entangled with this man that she forgives him time and time again when he does things that are unforgivable, all because he dishes out a meager “I’m sorry.” A woman who, though shattered by his lies countless times, her self-esteem ruined, her trust in others destroyed, her soul once healthy and warm now gravely ill and cold, would still give what little is left of herself for that one chance to have just a SMALL piece of him, for that is all that he would EVER be able to give her. Do you know that the man who loves the woman is the same man that causes the second woman heartache and misery? You see sometimes we forget the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would like for them to do unto you!
Never allow the next person to suffer for the mistakes of the first person. Love differently each time, for no two people bring the same thing to the table. Words are just words. The actions of that person are what you should truly base your decisions upon. Don’t make someone your all because you will be left with NOTHING when they leave you.
Love yourself more than you love anyone else after God. You are the master of your own destiny, so don’t let someone set the tone for how your life is going to be. Take out the trash and KEEP IT MOVING!

Pink Lemonade

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 02:28:00 -0400

My inspiration for this piece comes from a line I read in Maya Angelou’s book entitled, Letter To My Daughter. Words that seem so simple yet they carry so much weight and mean so much.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

I’ve spent years being angry at life for the hand that I have been dealt. Through multiple illnesses, moments of pain and depression, the days where I wasn’t sure if I would even make it to see the next sunrise…I was mad at the world. I was angry with God. Every day I would ask “why me?” It felt as though I were being dealt blow after blow and the minute I was able to grasp onto something and pull myself upright a bit, I was dealt another blow that would knock me back down again.

I wallowed in my misery. I let the dark clouds of pain envelop me and I made no attempts to get out of it. I settled for my life as it was, despite the fact that I was unhappy and knowing in the back of my mind that I had the potential to be doing so much more. I blamed everything on things that had happened to me. Instead of taking those lemons and making lemonade, I would weep and gripe over the fact that I had been given lemons to deal with in the first place.

You see, being a victim and going through the motions of that may be alright for a short time, but the problems arise when you linger at the pity party for far too long. There are only so many “woe is me” moments you can allow yourself before it becomes redundant and futile. When things happen, you must simply take life by the balls and do something about it.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.”

Another great quote from the esteemed Maya Angelou. Complaining about a situation isn’t going to make it any better. If you’re dissatisfied with your current line of work, is crying about it going to make it change? No. If you are unhappy within your current relationship, is dishing about it to your friends going to make things improve within the relationship? No. If there is something or someone that you want, a goal that you want to attain, is sitting around hoping, wishing and praying with no action going to get you the results that you are seeking? One word: NO!

True, it is easier said than done. Yes, there may be some barriers along the way, things that may come and deter you. You may have to head back to the drawing board at some point and come up with another game plan to get to where you want and need to be and that is alright. As long as you keep heading toward the finish line.

Rome was not built in a day. However it became one hell of a city when they were finished.

"I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it..."

Wed, 04 Jul 2012 01:16:22 -0400

““I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life. I’ve learned that making a “living” is not the same thing as making a “life.” I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one. I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn. I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.””

- Maya Angelou

A Cry For Help

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 12:35:00 -0400

HELP!! PLEASE HELP ME!!

Over and over the voice cries out in my head. I want to say the words out loud but my mouth just won’t move. I’m stuck. Frozen. Numb. Paralyzed with fear. Steeling myself for the next blow that I just know is coming. Is anyone coming to rescue me? How come nobody can hear the desperate cries for help that are filling my head right now? Will anybody come to save me?!

HELP!! PLEASE HELP ME!!

I can hear him coming. He’s angry with me. What did I do this time? I frantically try to figure out what I possibly could have done to set him off this time. All my tasks have been completed for the day. The house is spotless, dinner is ready. I made his favorite meal, chicken parmesan. I even managed to find time to bake him a celebratory cake. So why is he angry? What in God’s name did I do wrong now?!

HELP!! PLEASE HELP ME!!

As I sit Indian style on the floor inside our bedroom with my head down I hear him enter the room. I see his black leather shoes as he comes to stand right in front of me. That’s the last thing I remember seeing. The impact of his ensuing blow to my face was enough to force my eyes closed as my head swung sharply to the right. I’ve grown accustomed to the physical pain. I hardly feel that anymore. As the slaps, kicks and punches came raining down on me, the pain that far surpassed that of my wounded flesh was that of my breaking heart and my dying soul.

Silence.

No more screams for help. No more tears of despair and paralyzed fear. Nobody came to save me. Nobody cared. There on that floor, I died a little bit. I no longer cry for help. Nobody ever hears me.

Nobody ever comes.

A Love Like...

Tue, 03 Jul 2012 11:48:10 -0400

I want a love like me
Thinking of you
Thinking of me
Thinking of you type of love.
Can’t eat, can’t sleep without my baby type of love.
I want the rose petals on the bed, bubbles in my bath water, kisses on my forehead type of love.
I want the random “I love you,” “I miss you,” “Babe I’m thinking of you” text messages throughout the day type of love.
I want the trips to the beach late at night type of love.
Holding hands, writing our names in the sand type of love.
I want to be the one you call first when you get that promotion, when your car breaks down, first call in the morning, last one at night type of love.
I want the cuddling and caressing, watching a movie at home on a Friday night type of love.
I want the falling asleep tucked into the crook of your arm type of love.
Waking up in the morning, rolling over and seeing your face type of love.
Smiling because I know you’re mine type of love.
I want the love where you take me home to meet your mama and introduce me as “The Forever.”
Where you put other people in their place for not respecting me type of love.
I want the love where you rub my belly and say how one day you’re going to fill it with our child.
Where you can’t wait to see what our lives together would be like type of love.
I want to be the one you wake up and call in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep type of love.
The one where you don’t care what your homeboys say or think about you, could care less about them teasing you type of love.
I want that you don’t see other women type of love.
Where they don’t matter and all you see is me type of love.
I want that I’m wifey type of love, where all you can think about is putting a ring on it and me letting go of the Ms and becoming your Mrs type of love.
I want the white picket fence, 2.5 kids, 2 car garage and a dog type of love.
I want that forever type of love.
Damn.
Where is my love?

A Shot In The Dark

Mon, 02 Jul 2012 20:43:25 -0400

Hindsight is 20/20. Oftentimes it is difficult to step outside of ourselves and view the situation that we are in objectively. It is so much easier to give advice than to take it yourself. We tend to become so engrossed, so blinded by the objects of our desire that we forget to look at the bigger picture. Many times we are left asking the ominous question: “What happens now?”

It is human nature to do that which brings us pleasure, joy…satisfaction. Despite the consequences and against all odds, we even tend to seek out the things that perhaps we really don’t need to be looking for. The heart and the mind almost never agree, and the heart tends to beat out the mind every single time. Something that is so wrong can also feel so right. Distinguishing between the two is almost impossible. Separating from the wrong is almost unbearable even.

One thing to remember, when it comes to matters of emotions, the hardest thing to control are your feelings. People easily make assumptions, quickly judge, have a million and one opinions but ultimately only those that are involved know what the real deal is. Speculation is just that.

The truth is something that has the ability to destroy, help, or hurt. It isn’t always what you say to someone as much as it is how you say it. And you can beat a person over the head with it a million times, but they will only see the reality when the time is right. And maybe, just maybe, your idea of the truth may not be the truth. Stereotypes and general behavorial patterns don’t apply to everyone. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you critique.

The reasons behind people’s actions will probably never be known. People will always do things that will make you wonder what the hell were they thinking or why in the world would they do such a thing? Many of life’s greatest questions will go unanswered and some things just aren’t meant to be understood. It’s always easier on the outside looking in….

The Elephant In The Room...

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:16:05 -0400

Have you ever walked into a room and everyone stopped talking and stared at you? Or worse, the conversation in the room came to a halt and then people began whispering to each other and glancing at you all the while? Meanwhile, you’re still standing there, wondering what the hell everyone is saying about you. You check your hair, your clothes, your breath…everything seems to be in order. So what in God’s name is it that everyone is whispering about?

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

For days, weeks even, I’ve been in a bubble. Oblivious to everything but my own thoughts and feelings. Lately, I’ve been getting the sinking feeling that things are not what they appear to be. I can’t help feeling as though something, someone in my world is not what they appear to be. I can’t help feeling as though something, someone doesn’t have my best interests at heart.

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

In life, you come across all sorts of people. Some good, some bad. Some that come to love you, some…ehhh, they could do without your presence. Some people become good friends, others the deepest of enemies. For every scenario, there are pros and cons, for every good person that comes along, a bad one follows. Just because you care for a person, it doesn’t mean they feel the same way. The hardest part is learning to tell the difference between the people that are for you and those that are against you. A friend or a loved one tells you the truth, whether it hurts or not…because they’d rather not see you hurt worse in the long run. I’ve learned this.

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

Whoever created the mask just didn’t know how much more there was to it than just the material it was made with. A mask can be invisible, some wear one every day. It is almost impossible at times to see who someone really is without the mask on…until it is oftentimes too late. You’ve either befriended them, come to care for them, perhaps even fallen in love with them when the mask is removed…and by then, it’s almost always too late.

I just can’t help feeling as though there is something I need to see, something I should know. Something that is being kept hidden from me…something that might hurt me. But then, that is a risk we take each day in living, is it not? The potential for danger and hurt is always underlying in everything we do. This feeling is eating away at me, it sleeps next to me at night and has breakfast with me in the morning. It follows me throughout my day only to be waiting in bed for me at night…this nagging feeling that there is something I am overlooking…

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

I Heart You...

Mon, 04 Jul 2011 01:29:29 -0400

I remember playing with my dolls when I was a little girl…I had a barbie doll and I would pretend that one of my teddy bears was her boyfriend. I used to make them go on dates and they eventually got married and had babies…it was a fairy tale that even as a little girl I always hoped would be my reality someday.

But then I grew up. We all do. We come to realize that Cinderella had it made and those things don’t really happen that way in the real world. A guy would probably not waste his time searching high and low for the woman who fit the glass slipper left behind at the ball. No matter how strong the connection…

We go through a few losers on our journey to find our soul mates. We date men/women that have flaws, some lie, some cheat on us, some hurt our feelings and break our hearts. Some take advantage of us and harden our hearts so that many of us end up giving up on the idea of ever finding someone that will complete us. We get rid of our lists and decide that it just wasn’t meant to be. Until…

It seems as though the best things happen when you least expect it. When you look beyond what you’d normally go for, when you take a blind leap of faith…that tends to be when the unexpected happens, when someone comes along that makes your heart beat faster, your palms sweat, your chest tighten, and you start to wonder how you made it so far without them.

It’s amazing…to find someone to share the good & bad times with, someone to lean on & cry to, somebody that knows you in & out. To find a lover and a best friend wrapped into one. To find someone who makes it their mission to see you smile, someone you can let your guard down with and just be silly, just be you with no fear of how they’ll look at you. Someone to cuddle up next to at night and feel safe with. Someone to share each moment of every day with. Your other half, your partner in crime….your soulmate even.

If you find it, hold on to it, don’t let it go or allow your fears to get in the way of something that could be wonderful. If you’re still looking for it, be encouraged. Ask God to give you a sign so you’ll know when it does come along.

Love is such an amazing feeling. To love and be loved in return…priceless.

Squirrels....

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 11:13:00 -0400

This morning I woke up with sex on the brain…yep, I said it. SEX!! Hot sex, wild passionate make you say UNNNGGGGHHHH type of sex. Y’all know what I’m talking about! That ooooh weeee, baby don’t stop, damn you feel good, harder, deeper, faster, make you go SSSSSSS type of sex…the type of sexual intimacy that forges bonds, develops attachments, creates problems and causes people to lose their minds in their need for the ultimate release.

In the beginning when God created Adam and Eve, he told them to be fruitful and multiply. So imagine if you will those 2 butt nekkid people getting it in at all hours of the day. I don’t know about you but I would have loved to be in the Garden of Eden! Then God says, you should only engage in the act of sexual intimacy within the confines of marriage…that’s when we all became doomed. I don’t really think He thought that one through all the way!

Lust and love are easily confused. Men and women view sex differently. A man can have sex with 50 women and not love any of them. He can see her 2-3 times a week, bang her real proper, and not develop any sort of emotional attachment to her. Hard to believe but it’s true. The majority of women on the other hand, us being the emotional creatures that we are, begin to blur the lines between an interaction that is simply about sex. We start to imagine the possibilities for more, when it is exactly what it is and probably will never be anything more.

Sex does not equal love. It is a physical need that all human beings and animals have to find pleasure. Point blank. The problems arise when we take the sexual act and make it more than what it is. There should be a written agreement when two people decide to have sex with each other, one that clearly states the Sexual Terms of Agreement. If a man/woman states up front that they only want sex, you can’t really blame them if when your feelings deepen, they don’t want more. You were warned in the beginning. Feelings, however, tend to have a mind of their own, but I digress.

Rule of thumb: Fellas, if you’re just trying to smash, cut all the extra stuff out and be frank with her. You taking her out, spending time with her, sending “bae I miss you” messages when all you really want to do is blow her back out or get that sloppy toppy are unnecessary and only leading her down the path to getting her in her feelings. STOP THAT!! And ladies, you can’t change a man, he will change on his own time when he’s ready. If he was a shone when you met him, then chances are you won’t be his last. Do what makes you happy, but at the end of the day, don’t bash him for his honesty.

At the end of the day, we are all squirrels just looking for a nut.

Randoms….

Sat, 25 Jun 2011 20:54:53 -0400

Randoms….

Photo

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 10:04:27 -0400

Photo

Wed, 15 Jun 2011 10:01:43 -0400