My Inner Thoughts

Have you ever walked into a room and everyone stopped talking and stared at you? Or worse, the conversation in the room came to a halt and then people began whispering to each other and glancing at you all the while? Meanwhile, you’re still standing there, wondering what the hell everyone is saying about you. You check your hair, your clothes, your breath…everything seems to be in order. So what in God’s name is it that everyone is whispering about?

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

For days, weeks even, I’ve been in a bubble. Oblivious to everything but my own thoughts and feelings. Lately, I’ve been getting the sinking feeling that things are not what they appear to be. I can’t help feeling as though something, someone in my world is not what they appear to be. I can’t help feeling as though something, someone doesn’t have my best interests at heart.

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

In life, you come across all sorts of people. Some good, some bad. Some that come to love you, some…ehhh, they could do without your presence. Some people become good friends, others the deepest of enemies. For every scenario, there are pros and cons, for every good person that comes along, a bad one follows. Just because you care for a person, it doesn’t mean they feel the same way. The hardest part is learning to tell the difference between the people that are for you and those that are against you. A friend or a loved one tells you the truth, whether it hurts or not…because they’d rather not see you hurt worse in the long run. I’ve learned this. 

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

Whoever created the mask just didn’t know how much more there was to it than just the material it was made with. A mask can be invisible, some wear one every day. It is almost impossible at times to see who someone really is without the mask on…until it is oftentimes too late. You’ve either befriended them, come to care for them, perhaps even fallen in love with them when the mask is removed…and by then, it’s almost always too late.

I just can’t help feeling as though there is something I need to see, something I should know. Something that is being kept hidden from me…something that might hurt me. But then, that is a risk we take each day in living, is it not? The potential for danger and hurt is always underlying in everything we do. This feeling is eating away at me, it sleeps next to me at night and has breakfast with me in the morning. It follows me throughout my day only to be waiting in bed for me at night…this nagging feeling that there is something I am overlooking…

There’s an elephant in the room…and everyone sees it but me.

I remember playing with my dolls when I was a little girl…I had a barbie doll and I would pretend that one of my teddy bears was her boyfriend. I used to make them go on dates and they eventually got married and had babies…it was a fairy tale that even as a little girl I always hoped would be my reality someday.

But then I grew up. We all do. We come to realize that Cinderella had it made and those things don’t really happen that way in the real world. A guy would probably not waste his time searching high and low for the woman who fit the glass slipper left behind at the ball. No matter how strong the connection…

We go through a few losers on our journey to find our soul mates. We date men/women that have flaws, some lie, some cheat on us, some hurt our feelings and break our hearts. Some take advantage of us and harden our hearts so that many of us end up giving up on the idea of ever finding someone that will complete us. We get rid of our lists and decide that it just wasn’t meant to be. Until…

It seems as though the best things happen when you least expect it. When you look beyond what you’d normally go for, when you take a blind leap of faith…that tends to be when the unexpected happens, when someone comes along that makes your heart beat faster, your palms sweat, your chest tighten, and you start to wonder how you made it so far without them.

It’s amazing…to find someone to share the good & bad times with, someone to lean on & cry to, somebody that knows you in & out. To find a lover and a best friend wrapped into one. To find someone who makes it their mission to see you smile, someone you can let your guard down with and just be silly, just be you with no fear of how they’ll look at you. Someone to cuddle up next to at night and feel safe with. Someone to share each moment of every day with. Your other half, your partner in crime….your soulmate even.

If you find it, hold on to it, don’t let it go or allow your fears to get in the way of something that could be wonderful. If you’re still looking for it, be encouraged. Ask God to give you a sign so you’ll know when it does come along.

Love is such an amazing feeling. To love and be loved in return…priceless.

This morning I woke up with sex on the brain…yep, I said it. SEX!! Hot sex, wild passionate make you say UNNNGGGGHHHH type of sex. Y’all know what I’m talking about! That ooooh weeee, baby don’t stop, damn you feel good, harder, deeper, faster, make you go SSSSSSS type of sex…the type of sexual intimacy that forges bonds, develops attachments, creates problems and causes people to lose their minds in their need for the ultimate release.

In the beginning when God created Adam and Eve, he told them to be fruitful and multiply…so imagine if you will those 2 butt nekkid people getting it in at all hours of the day…I don’t know about you but I would have loved to be in the Garden of Eden! Then God says, you should only engage in the act of sexual intimacy within the confines of marriage…that’s when we all became doomed. I don’t really think He thought that one through all the way!

Lust and love are easily confused. Men and women view sex differently. A man can have sex with 50 women and not love any of them. He can see her 2-3 times a week, bang her real proper, and not develop any sort of emotional attachment to her. Hard to believe but it’s true. The majority of women on the other hand, us being the emotional creatures that we are, begin to blur the lines between an interaction that is simply about sex. We start to imagine the possibilities for more, when it is exactly what it is and probably will never be anything more. 

Sex does not equal love. It is a physical need that all human beings and animals have to find pleasure. Point blank. The problems arise when we take the sexual act and make it more than what it is. There should be a written agreement when two people decide to have sex with each other…clearly stating the Sexual Terms of Agreement…if a man/woman states up front that they only want sex, you can’t really blame them if when your feelings deepen, they don’t want more…you were warned in the beginning. Feelings, however, tend to have a mind of their own, but I digress. 

Rule of thumb: Fellas, if you’re just trying to smash, cut all the extra stuff out and be frank with her. You taking her out, spending time with her, sending “bae I miss you” messages when all you really want to do is blow her back out or get that sloppy toppy are unnecessary and only leading her down the path to getting her in her feelings. STOP THAT!! And ladies, you can’t change a man, he will change on his own time when he’s ready. If he was a shone when you met him, then chances are you won’t be his last. Do what makes you happy, but at the end of the day, don’t bash him for his honesty.

At the end of the day, we are all squirrels just looking for a nut. 

Hindsight is 20/20. Oftentimes it is difficult to step outside of ourselves and view the situation that we are in objectively. It is so much easier to give advice than to take it yourself. We tend to become so engrossed, so blinded by the objects of our desire that we forget to look at the bigger picture. Many times we are left asking the ominous question: “What happens now?”

It is human nature to do that which brings us pleasure, joy…satisfaction. Despite the consequences and against all odds, we even tend to seek out the things that perhaps we really don’t need to be looking for. The heart and the mind almost never agree, and the heart tends to beat out the mind every single time. Something that is so wrong…can also feel so right. Distinguishing between the two is almost impossible. Separating from the wrong….almost unbearable even.

One thing to remember, when it comes to matters of emotions, the hardest thing to control are your feelings. People easily make assumptions, quickly judge, have a million and one opinions but ultimately only those that are involved know what the real deal is. Speculation is just that.

The truth is something that has the ability to destroy, help, or hurt. It isn’t always what you say to someone as much as it is how you say it. And you can beat a person over the head with it a million times, but they will only see the reality when the time is right. And maybe, just maybe, your idea of the truth may not be the truth. Stereotypes and general behavorial patterns don’t apply to everyone. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes before you critique.

The reasons behind people’s actions will probably never be known. People will always do things that will make you wonder what the hell were they thinking or why in the world would they do such a thing? Many of life’s greatest questions will go unanswered and some things just aren’t meant to be understood. It’s always easier on the outside looking in….